


Returning home (everything's different, everything's the same)

by ToTheStarsWriting



Series: New Albion [2]
Category: Merlin (TV), Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec got his memories back, Discrimination Against Downworlders, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Friendship, Good Friend Catarina Loss, Jace is a good bro, Memory Magic, Merlin AU, Old Friends, Protective Jace Wayland, Reincarnation, She's not afraid to tell it like it is, The Uprising, Uther Pendragon - Freeform, and Valentine, and any magic users, are too much alike, set in a canon SH universe, the great purge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28532571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToTheStarsWriting/pseuds/ToTheStarsWriting
Summary: With a head full of old memories, and a magical core so depleted it's practically empty, Alec returns back home to friends - both old and new - and try to cope with what this all means. Old magic is rising again, and the mistakes of the past are coming back to haunt him. He was going to need every friend he could to stand tall underneath it all.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Catarina Loss, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland
Series: New Albion [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1837090
Comments: 25
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

When Alec had gone to the Lake the very last thing he’d expected was to have everything he’d ever thought he’d known about his life ripped away from him. He was still Alec, he would _always_ be Alec, but now there was so much _more_. The whole world felt different. It wasn’t like things had honestly changed. The only thing that had changed was _him_. His awareness, his knowledge. But everything else was still the same. Even if Alec felt like nothing would ever be the same ever again.

It wasn’t just the knowledge of his own past, but his knowledge of the _present_ that had changed. The world was made up of so many more layers than a single shadowhunter could begin to understand.

Just thinking about it was enough to make his head _throb_. Alec curled his hands around the warm mug he held and he tried to focus solely on the heat of that mug, the solidness of it underneath his fingers. That, plus the heavy quilt wrapped around his shoulders, helped to steady him. Anchor his body in the here and now.

Thankfully, the _here_ was no longer on the shores of that damned lake. Alec had come out of the water soaked and barely even able to register just how cold his body was.

Thank the angel for Freya – _Catarina_. If it hadn’t been for her there was no telling how long Alec would’ve stayed there on the shore. She’d brought him up out of the mud, propped him up by a rock, and when it was clear he wasn’t quite there yet, she’d bundled him up with magic and portaled him to her cozy New York apartment.

That was where Alec sat now. Curled up on Catarina’s couch in dry clothes she’d magicked up for him, a quilt, and a warm mug of his favorite tea. A tea that shouldn’t have been possible to make anymore. As Alec, he’d ended up with one that was close to it in flavor, not realizing what he was trying to replicate. But now he held a mug of the real thing.

“How’d you make this?” Alec asked abruptly. It probably wasn’t the words he should’ve started with, yet they felt easier to say than any of the others that were bouncing around in his head.

Catarina grinned at him from where she’d stretched out in a blush blue chair. “I got lucky enough to know someone who was always interested in horticulture. The more obscure, the better. He had a few bits, and he let me take some cuttings.” Her grin softened into a gentler look that, even though her face was different, he would’ve recognized anywhere. “It made me think of you.”

Grief sat on those last words. The kind that Alec had never wanted for her. A grief that came from years and years of living with it, growing used to bearing that burden while never quite forgetting where it came from.

Alec hated that she’d had to live with that. That she’d been hurting for that long. “You’ve always remembered, then?” It’d be the first time. No matter how many times they’d been reborn in the past, none of them had ever remembered.

This time was clearly different.

Drawing her own mug up to her chest, Catarina shifted around in her seat, drawing one leg up and letting her knee fall off to the side. “Yes and no. What I feel… I think it’s different than what you feel. I’m still me, I’m still Catarina, and to me that’s who I’ve always been. But I know there’s more. I can feel it, in here.” She drew one hand away from her mug to tap at her chest. “I only have vague memories of other lives, but I remember being her. I remember being Freya. But I’ve lived in this life far longer than I lived as Freya. This, me, it’s who I am now. I chose this, knowing full well who I used to be. I chose a new name for this new life, and I’ve made it who I am.”

Her words made sense. For Catarina – not Freya, he needed to start teaching his brain that, no matter that a part of him would always think of her that way – she really had lived a longer life as Catarina than she ever had as Freya. Alec couldn’t remember everything in her file, but as Acting Head of the Institute, he was aware of the strong warlocks in his city, and she was one of them. He knew that she’d lived for quite a long time. Longer than Freya had ever had the chance to.

It made sense that she would think of herself more as Catarina than anything else. Really, he could understand. Even if it made a small part of him grieve.

But it wasn’t like he didn’t empathize. How many names had he lived under through the years? While the others had been reborn, and he’d lived on, using the name Merlin was like asking for trouble. Especially as the legends grew. He’d shed that name and lived under so many different ones throughout the following years. Being Alec – living that life without any memory of his old self for the first time – it left that part of him feeling truer to him than any of those other made up names had. As true as Merlin, or Emrys.

“You didn’t remember,” Catarina said. It wasn’t a question, not really. Yet Alec heard all the questions underneath it.

He wasn’t quite sure how to answer her. Lying didn’t really cross his mind. But none of his lives had ever taught Alec to be open and trusting. If anything, the lessons he’d learned as Merlin had only reinforced keeping parts of himself hidden from the world. Even from those he trusted.

After a long moment, he finally shook his head. “No.” Then again, this was the first time he’d been reborn. He’d never had that happen before. Being reborn meant being capable of actually _dying_. By now, after everything he’d been through, Alec was pretty sure that wasn’t a possibility.

Alec expected Catarina’s next question to be about why this time was different. Why he’d been reborn, why he hadn’t remembered, why he’d been born to a body that wasn’t a warlock like her. He braced himself to try and talk around the answers he wasn’t quite sure of yet. _Not sure of, or just don’t want to admit to?_

He should’ve remembered how well she’d always read him. Even with the little time they’d known one another, in every lifetime Freya had always read him with the kind of ease that few managed.

Catarina didn’t press on any of the logical topics than anyone else would have. No, she let her grin grow a little more into something devilish, and she waited until he was taking a drink before she said, “So, I’ve met your Arthur.”

The tea Alec was drinking felt like it turned to lead in his throat. He sucked in a breath and choked on it, sputtering out a mouthful of hot tea all over himself and the blanket.

Instinct had Alec twisting his hand and pushing his magic out to clean way the spilled tea. He hadn’t thought about it, just _reacted_. Only, instead of the warm flood that he was so used to, the banked power that sat underneath what was, to him, an act as simple and essential as breathing, he found only a small trickle of what it should’ve been.

Not like it was gone, the thought of which was almost enough to steal his breath away. His magic _couldn’t_ be taken from him. The past had taught him that. No, this was more like it was exhausted, like he’d pushed himself to the limits, and it needed a chance to recover.

He was drawn away from that worry and back to another one when, the little shit that she was, Catarina laughed at him. It was a gentle, warm sound despite it being at his expense.

“I thought you might want to know that,” she teased him.

Even after everything, after years and years of watching Arthur be reborn, of watching him _never remember_ until Alec swore there was nothing left of his heart to break, he still felt himself thrill at just the _thought_ that once more, he walked the earth. He felt the call deep down in his magic to seek out the person he was meant to protect, to serve, and he felt a deeper call in his _heart_. One that insisted that he be with Arthur, always, the way it should be.

Alec gripped tightly to the mug. He knew he was giving himself away, and yet he couldn’t stop it. Not with her. “He’s… is he okay?”

The way her smile gentled said more than words. “He is.”

That was – that was good. That was really good. Of course he was fine. Arthur always started out fine. He hadn’t really needed his own warlock in a long, long time. Not since those early days when prophecy ruled the lands and magic was still believed in, albeit feared.

“Alec.” Hearing that name in her voice jolted Alec a little. Yet nowhere near as much as the seriousness of her gaze when she fixed it on him. He braced himself, only to find that nothing could’ve helped him prepare for this. “I don’t know what happened to make things backward like this, but Arthur, he’s…”

“A warlock.”

The words came easily to Alec’s lips though he hadn’t really had time to think about them yet. Not that he really needed to. Even as Alec said them, he felt the rightness of it.

By all rights, Arthur should’ve been reborn where Alec was. This should’ve been _his_ life. A warrior, tasked with a mission from the angels to protect everyone. A prince in his own right, even if it was of a fallen family.

The parallels were uncanny. Despite what his parents did to keep it secret, Alec knew what they’d done, what they’d been a part of. Just as Uther had once done, they’d tried to rid the world of magic. Even if they hadn’t led it, they’d been a part of a crusade meant to destroy everything that wasn’t _pure_ and _right_.

The Circle had called it the Uprising, while Uther had called it the Great Purge.

Would that make his parents the new Uther, or would that make Valentine him? Just thinking about it made Alec's head hurt. Everything he knew of Valentine fit Uther so well. If there was a woman out there, a wife and a child whose loss had spurred things on as they’d done with Uther, it would make everything Valentine did make so much sense. But then, wouldn’t Arthur be born to that man, destined to right his father’s wrongs?

Yet Alec's life definitely fit the bill. He was oldest, heir to a legacy he didn’t want, one that he’d never had a part in, and yet expected by so many to either continue on in their stead or to correct the mistakes they’d made.

It was a role that rightfully should have been Arthur’s. He was the one destined to unite their people – their Once and Future King.

Yet it was him – _Merlin_ – living a life that shouldn’t have been his, while Arthur was out there somewhere living _his_ life as a warlock.

Alec groaned, one hand coming up to rub at his forehead. Everything in there still felt so jumbled up and this definitely wasn’t helping. Usually, he could easily make sense of their reincarnations. There were clear-cut lines that were followed. Patterns he knew as well as he knew himself. This time around it seemed like things weren’t going to be playing by the same rules.

For the moment he chose to focus on the most important part. The rest of it could all be figured out when Alec was alone and had time to rest and then give this all proper thought. For now… “You’ve seen him?” he asked Catarina. He dropped his hand down from his head so that he could look up at her. “He’s okay?”

“He’s okay,” Catarina reassured him. Though, there was an edge to her words. One that she didn’t elaborate on, and that Alec wasn’t sure he was ready to ask about. But she gave him something else, at least. “He’s not in any danger. At least, no more so than any other warlock in this world. But… he’s powerful enough to protect himself.”

Of course he was. If Alec was Arthur in this scenario, it made sense that Arthur would be Merlin.

Catarina’s eyes darkened a little as she watched him. She had the same deep stare she’d always had. One that left him feeling like she saw straight down inside of him to the parts he kept hidden from everyone else. Once, he’d thought that meant they were destined to be together. That he would spend his life with this beautiful girl who saw things about him when no one else did. Now he knew better. She was the sister of his heart, a piece of his soul, tied together with him but not _his_.

“You know what happened, why everything’s so backwards.”

The lump that built in Alec's throat tasted dark and bitter. He swallowed it down. He was far too familiar with guilt. “Most likely.”

“Does it have something to do with why your magic’s so weak?”

Alec winced at those blunt words.

“I’ve never seen you this low,” Catarina said softly. “Not in any of my memories. And I remember seeing you burnt out a time or two. But this… it’s like you used all your magic at once.” Her eyes were a bit distant as she looked at him. This time, he knew she was seeing deeper than the surface, using her own magic to look down inside of him at his. It made her voice a bit more distant when she spoke again. “It’s still there, and it looks like it should heal fine over time. But you’re going to be running on not much of anything for a while.”

Hearing what he already knew didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Despite the fact that Alec hadn’t known he’d even _had_ magic a few hours ago, he felt so empty without the familiar warmth that he was so used to carrying.

When Catarina blinked her eyes clear once more, a shadow stayed behind. One that told Alec she’d seen far more than he’d wanted her to. There was an ancient sadness written there. “Oh, Alec.”

Alec couldn’t stand to sit there and look at her. Not when she was giving him a kind look he knew he didn’t deserve. He turned his head and stared at the forest print hanging on the wall. “I didn’t mean for this.” The words were stilted, yet they were honest. “I just… I was tired.”

She didn’t try and argue with him about it. A fact he was more than grateful for. Instead, she moved forward and reached over the coffee table to grab his hand. She waited until he once again looked her way to say “I’m sorry.” Nothing else, just those two words. _I’m sorry_.

They meant more to him than anything else. “Thank you.”

It didn’t make anything better. Everything was still so messed up, and Alec had no idea what he was going to do or what was going to happen next. But the understanding he saw in her eyes, the way she held his hand ever after guessing what he’d done, it meant a lot to Alec. It was an anchor he could hold himself on as he tried to steady the world under him.

* * *

Alec stayed at Catarina’s long enough to settle himself down and get a little more information out of her. But eventually he knew he needed to get home, before someone began to worry about him. He was set to take a portal back from Idris, and if he didn’t show, people would panic.

Before he left, Catarina took the time to put her number in his cell phone. “I know we have fire messages and such, but sometimes things aren’t important enough for a fire message,” she told him. Then she’d flashed him that bright, bright grin, amused and devilish all at the same time. “I better hear from you, too, or else I’m storming the castle. I expect you to hear from you every couple days, and to meet up with you at least once a week.”

He gave her a small, half smile. “I’ll do my best.”

Snorting, she shoved his phone back against his chest. “Yeah, yeah.” Then her expression turned serious. Her eyebrows drew down, and she pressed her lips together for just a moment. “Keep your magic use to a minimum. With as low as you are, I’m not sure how quickly you’re going to recover. You overextended yourself. It’s going to take time and patience, and maybe a few potions, for you to start to heal and recover from what you did.”

Catarina made him a portal back to the shores of Lake Lyn. From there, Alec walked back to the Lightwood manor house, easily avoiding his parents as he went. Alec focused himself on just… getting home. It was the only way he was going to be able to make it from one moment to the next. He just needed to focus on getting home. Once there, he could try and plan what to do next.

Or maybe he’d get lucky and he could slip away for just a bit of rest before he had to deal with everyone else.

* * *

The first person Alec saw when he walked out of the portal and into the portal-room of his Institute – and _Raziel_ , it was _his_ Institute now, for better or worse, something that he’d almost forgotten in the mix of everything else – was the one person he was the most nervous about seeing. A person whose very soul was tied to his in ways that went beyond any other ties he’d shared with anyone. His and Arthur’s destines were twined together, yes, but life had proved that that was all that forced them together. They held no soul bond, no heart bond, none of that.

But this man? This man right here, who had been his friend when no one else had, who had asked a broken, scared and lonely boy to be his parabatai, to walk side by side with him through the rest of their lives?

Alec took one look at him and felt his heart skip a beat. Because now – now he knew why there’d been such an instant connection. Why this man above all others had been someone he’d trusted. One of his truest friends. Now, and many, many years ago.

It took everything Alec had not to let the words fall past his lips. He stared at Jace and saw the bright soul shining back at him – a soul he would always recognize.

 _Gwaine_.

The portal closed behind Alec, darkening the room slightly now that there was no longer a faint blue glow, and yet neither man moved. Alec felt like he was frozen, fighting to push himself back up through the waters of Lake Lyn once more, trying to reach high enough to get some air. If he could just breathe he might be able to pull on his masks and reach out. Pretend to be who he was supposed to be.

Then all of that was thrown out of the water when Jace snorted at him and rolled his eyes. “Took you long enough,” Jace said, huffing a bit. “I’ve been waiting for you to get back ever since you pulled that little stunt of yours.”

“What?”

“Seriously, Alec?” Another roll of his eyes, though there was a fondness to it that never failed to warm Alec, leave him feeling like he was someone special. Even if it took on a far different edge now than it would have days ago. Jace looked more than a little amused while just a bit exasperated with him. “I was in the middle of a training session when you did whatever it was you did. Knocked me flat on my ass. Then I woke up with a head full of memories and _Morgana_ of all people staring down at me.”

The words hit Alec like a solid fist to the gut. He actually stumbled back a step, his eyes going wide.

Jace took in his shocked look and _laughed_. “What, didn’t think about what might happen to the guy at the other end of a soul bond when you douse yourself in magic?”

No, no he had not. Alec hadn’t thought anything of what that might do to Jace. He definitely hadn’t figured on it making Jace _remember_. Alec drew himself up, pulling in just a little in an instinctive need to protect himself. He looked Jace over, trying to feel in their bond at the same time. Everything still felt the same. Jace felt like Jace. But at the same time, there was something about his eyes. A look there that was… older than it’d been.

Slowly, hesitantly, Alec took a step forward. “Gwaine?”

The way that Jace lit up looked like a startling mix of himself and Gwaine both, in ways that made Alec's heart pound just a little bit harder.

Jace walked up to him and, in a move he’d used countless times, clapped his hand on Alec's shoulder. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go talk.”

* * *

They ended up on the roof of the Institute. Of course they did. It was where they’d had all their most important talks. Alec had always felt a bit safer out here, high up above everyone else. He found a sense of comfort in sitting on the edge of the roof and looking out around him. _I used to sit like this back at the castle, too_ , he thought to himself as he settled down on the wall. He slanted a look Jace’s way. He’d done it with Gwaine back then, too. The two of them would sit for hours and drink and talk on those long, long nights.

They’d done the same thing in this lifetime. Settled in together with a bottle of pilfered wine from the cellars at the Lightwood Manor, or from the Institute’s own private cellars.

“Been a while since we’ve done this,” Jace said easily. He grinned and leaned in to bump his shoulder against Alec's. “All we’re missing is a drink.”

Alec reached out to the magic of the universe – all around and inside him – and though it was still just a trickle compared to what he was used to, it was easy to twist it just enough to summon a bottle onto the ledge between them.

A low laugh shook Jace. He didn’t hesitate to reach out and scoop the bottle up. Though they’d never acknowledged it out loud, Alec knew that Gwaine had seen through him in ways others hadn’t. He’d seen what Alec had kept hidden, and he’d kept quiet about it.

There was nothing but that familiar love from Jace in their bond when he twisted the bottle to look at the label. The snort he let out echoed loudly in the cool night air. “I should’ve figured. You’ve got the shittiest taste in alcohol, Alec, I swear.”

“You have no room to talk. I’ve seen some of the things you’ll drink,” Alec fired back.

Jace didn’t bother to deny it. He just laughed again and drew a dagger from his pocket to pop the cork on the wine.

Alec had fallen in love in moments like this. Sitting on the castle wall, staring out over all of Camelot with Gwaine by his side and a bottle between them. Or sitting here atop the Institute with Jace, staring out at New York while they drank stolen wine. Two places they’d made their vows to protect.

Here, with someone he trusted by his side, Merlin had felt the faint stirrings of a crush he never would’ve admitted to, though it’d been easily more attainable than the other one he lusted after. And here again, with another person he trusted over all others, Alec had once more fallen headfirst into the passion of youth for someone his heart deemed perfect and _safe_.

The cork came out of the bottle easily enough. Despite his earlier protests, Jace took a drink without hesitation, and then passed it over to Alec. “So… what happened? How come you and I are taking a trip down memory lane?”

Alec took the bottle and swallowed a long swig of the wine. It wasn’t the proper way to drink it, but this wasn’t the time to sit and savor. The warmth he’d gained from the tea at Catarina’s was long gone. Here, now, with the person Alec could honestly say he trusted to have his back more than anyone, a person who shared a piece of soul with him, the walls he’d wrapped himself up in were crumbling away.

It was _freeing_ to sit there and tell Jace everything. From the first moments with the Lake, right up until the events that had led him here.

By the time Alec finished, wrapping up with leaving Catarina’s and coming here, most of the bottle was gone between them.

Silence sat over the rooftop for a few long moments once Alec was done. Jace was the one to break it with a low whistle. “That’s a hell of a story. So you think, what? That Lake Lyn is Lake Avalon?”

It was a logical leap to make. Back in their original time, that had been the only magical lake they knew of. One that had been the home, the gateway, to so much magic. “It makes sense.”

“Yeah.” Huffing a bit, Jace shook his head and took another drink. “Still. That’s… that’s a hell of a story.”

“Yeah.”

Quiet fell over the rooftop for a long moment. Neither one of them said anything as they passed the wine back and forth and slowly set about emptying the bottle. The fact that Jace didn’t immediately start asking Alec about what happened, what he’d done, why this was going on, was a testament to his character. Alec hadn’t shared _everything_ Catarina had told him, but he had shared enough that Jace – who was smarter than most people realized – would be able to piece some things together. Yet Jace didn’t push on that.

Of course, just because he didn’t push on that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to poke at something else instead. Alec should’ve known that. But it caught him off guard when Jace asked “Did she tell you his name?”

It only took a second for Alec to realize what he was talking about. Once he did, he flushed. His gaze darted out over the city and locked on a building in the distance. Anything to avoid looking over at Jace for this part. He hadn’t been sure earlier if he wanted to say it – saying it made it feel sort of real. But… this was Jace. His best friend, his brother. A person who held a piece of his soul. _You’re not alone this time around,_ a soft voice whispered in the back of Alec's mind. _This time your friends can be that – your friends. They’re not all loyal to him first_.

Almost as soon as he had the thought he felt guilty.

Alec shoved that guilt aside with practiced skill. He lifted the bottle, drowning it all just a bit more under the wash of alcohol. Then, eyes still off in the distance, he said, “Magnus Bane.”

It was a good thing Alec was the one with the wine. There was every chance Jace would’ve choked on it at that point. As it was, Alec could hear him sputtering. “You’re kidding me? Arthur got reborn as the _High Warlock of Brooklyn?_ ”

“Apparently.”

“ _Raziel_.” For a second there was silence. Then Jace snorted, loudly. “Well this is gonna be great.”

 _That_ was an understatement. Alec lifted the bottle and drained the last bit of liquid inside. He contemplated for a moment summoning another. A voice that sounded far too much like Catarina’s echoed in the back of his head, reminding him that he was supposed to be _resting_ his magic, _not_ using it to summon wine. If she found out that he was using it so soon after all her warnings not to, he had a feeling she wouldn’t hesitate to tear him a new one over it.

Alec reached over to settle the bottle down on the rooftop beside them. But as soon as his hands were free, he had to twist them together just to give them something to do.

It helped a little when Jace leaned in and brushed their arms together. He let his weight settle against Alec's in a gesture of comfort that they’d used with one another in the past. Both here and back _then_. Alec drew strength from that touch. From the reminder that he wasn’t alone here. No matter what went on, he had a friend here with him. One who had always been loyal to him, despite what he’d convinced himself of otherwise the last time.

After a few moments of quiet Jace asked the question Alec knew was coming. Though that didn’t really make it any easier to hear. “Are you gonna go talk to him?”

Alec forcibly swallowed against the lump that built in his throat. It hurt, and his voice came out with just a hint of a deeper rasp to it. “I don’t know.”

He honestly didn’t. After all, what good would it do?

“Alec…”

“Don’t.” Alec cut him off before Jace could get going. Whatever he was going to say, especially in that careful tone, Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. Not now. Not while he still felt so raw and broken open inside. He gripped his hands together even tighter until his nails were sharp points of pressure against his skin – firm without breaking through. He focused on that instead of on the maelstrom of emotions that were churning away inside of him.

Jace pressed a little more firmly against his shoulder. “You can’t hide from this, Alec.”

“Why not?” Alec blurted out. The words held a sharp edge of bitterness that he hadn’t meant to put there. Yet he couldn’t stop it. Nor could he stop the words from just flowing out of him. “It isn’t like my presence has done anything the last _hundred times_ you guys have been reborn. He hasn’t needed me any of those times. Why would he need me now?”

“You really think this time is like any of the others? Everything’s backward and things are just, they’re too much like that first time. Too many things are similar. You can’t ignore it, Alec. And you can’t hide from it.”

Those words worked like daggers to cut down past all of Alec's defenses and deep into the place he was trying to keep hidden. Deep inside of him, under the centuries of grief, heartache, guilt, and so much _pain_ , there was a part of Alec that was aching to go out and find Arthur – no, _Magnus_.

This man was his _king_. The person that Alec had sworn to protect once with his very life. Someone he had served with honor. Someone that he’d loved with every single fiber of his being for as far back as his memory stretched.

But too much had happened between _then_ and _now._ They weren’t the same people they’d once been. _Alec_ wasn’t the same. He was too old now, too jaded, and far too bitter.

Part of him would always be drawn toward Arthur. But this time… this time Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to go and seek him out. He didn’t know if he could survive going through it all again. He was just so _tired_. Tired of being the one to always have to sacrifice, to give and give and give without any recognition or respect in return. How many times was he supposed to throw himself on the fire for this man without any sign that it meant anything at all to him?

Alec squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and took a deep breath. “If fate wants us together so badly, she’ll make it happen whether we like it or not.”

That said, Alec pushed up to his feet, far more than done with their conversation.

“I’m going to bed,” he told Jace. “Send someone if people need me.” He didn’t look at him, didn’t let himself show that weakness. Without giving Jace a chance to respond, he spun on his heel and headed for the doors. If he was lucky he might be able to get a few hours sleep before work called for him. Maybe when he woke up, his head might feel a bit more in order, and maybe things wouldn’t look so bad.

He hoped.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec had been so sure that he was going to go to his bedroom and never be able to fall asleep. Yet as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light.

That wasn’t to say that sleep was peaceful. A head full of new memories meant that those all had to slot in there and find their place. Which meant Alec spent the night dreaming of times long gone by – in a land of myth and a time of magic. The memories flashed through, one by one, bits and pieces of a life that had once been his, and so many countless lives after that. Lives spent aching, broken and alone, yet still so damn _hopeful_.

He woke to the sound of a knocking on his door, and the stain of tears still wetting his cheeks.

Alec pushed himself up in bed, quickly wiping at his face in an effort to get rid of the evidence of his crying. He didn’t really think about it as he tugged a bit of magic and murmured a soft word. The power washed over him and took away every last tear mark and bit of puffiness from around his eyes. Unfortunately, it was a spell he had a lot of practice with.

A wave of dizziness had Alec grateful he was still bracing his body up on one arm. Alec rode it out with his eyes closed and his arm locked. He only opened his eyes again when another knock at his door jerked him back to attention.

“Come on, Alec, open up!”

That familiar voice was one of the only ones that Alec would’ve let get away with something like this. Instead of the furious glare he might’ve greeted others with, he called out a short “Come in!” to his sister.

The door magically unlocked, something which had Alec grimacing. He was really going to have to work on that. Now that his magic was there, and now that he remembered he had it, he wanted to use it for everything. Alec remembered a point in his life where he _had_. He was going to have to be careful about that. Especially if he wanted his magic to heal.

All of those thoughts disappeared as the door opened and Alec looked up at his sister. What he saw was almost enough to have him actually gasping.

Each and every person out there had a signature to them. It was a skill Alec hadn’t known when he was young, but that he’d perfected as he grew older. Something that he’d learned to read thanks to the Druids he’d spent time with after Arthur’s… well, _after_.

But even without that he would’ve known this soul.

 _Morgana_.

Alec stared up at her and swore he could feel his heart stutter in his chest. That was _Morgana_ standing there in the body of his sister. But not, not the Morgana that she’d been at the end. Not the one who’d lost her way. Who’d broken and shattered into so many different pieces and then put herself back together in a way that was so jagged and wrong.

No, _this_ was the Morgana he’d first met. The kind, soft-hearted soul who’d cared about everyone. Who would’ve given her life before allowing someone around her to be hurt. The Morgana who was fierce and bright, a warrior better than most of the men around her, and yet who was also gentle and kind, with a heart of gold. One that hadn’t yet been poisoned by lies, betrayal, and pain.

A Morgana who was now looking at him with open worry written all over her face.

“ _Hermano_?” She took a step forward, the worry making her eyes darker. Her eyebrows drew down, and the smile was gone from her lips. “What is it? What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

 _She doesn’t remember_. Alec could see that written all over her face. She had no idea who she’d once been, or who Alec was aside from her big brother. Someone who she was occasionally annoyed by, but who she loved with that bright, fierce fire that both exasperated Alec and made him love her even more in return.

When the worry darkened her face even more and her steps hurried toward his bed, Alec realized he’d yet to answer her, and he didn’t get a chance to do so now before she was right there beside him, sinking down onto the edge of the bed. One of her hands lifted to curl against the side of his face in a touch he would’ve allowed no one else to use. Her eyes darted from one of his to the other. “Alec?”

He had to clear his throat twice before he could find his voice. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” She slipped down into Spanish, the words a comfort to them both as she asked him again _what’s wrong, big brother?_

Alec's breath shuddered out of him. He couldn’t resist reaching up, his fingers shaking ever-so-slightly while he brushed a bit of her hair behind her ear. He could see so much of her in that moment. He could see Morgana as she had been, bright and beautiful, a rose in a sea of poison vines, bright and yet just as deadly as the rest. But he could also see his Isabelle, the sweet little Izzy-bell, the one who’d raced through the forests with him, who’d laughed so brightly in those few carefree moments, and who’d dragged him away from a lake that rightfully should’ve turned them both crazy for touching it.

 _Maybe it did_ , Alec thought to himself as he looked at her. _Maybe I’m crazy now._

Another voice inside him whispered _What makes you think you weren’t already?_

It took effort, but Alec pushed those thoughts down, pushed it all away, and focused instead on the most important thing – soothing his little sister. “I’m okay, _hermanita_. Just some weird dreams, that’s all.”

Though the worry didn’t go away completely, it did lessen. After all, Isabelle was well aware that Alec had weird dreams. He hadn’t been able to hide it from her with how much she used to come and climb into his bed when they were younger. She’d come there to hide away from her own dreams. But occasionally, it meant that she’d witnessed the aftermath of some of his. Little as Alec liked showing weakness, especially to someone he felt he was responsible for looking after, he hadn’t been able to hide it entirely.

Isabelle stroked her fingers gently over his cheek and then dropped her hand back down. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“No, but I can still be sorry,” she returned easily.

That made it that much easier for Alec to smile at her. She honestly meant that. She wasn’t pitying him, she was just sorry that he had had bad dreams. The fact that that’s all she said, that she didn’t try and push for more information, made him want to thank her.

Instead, he fell back on the more usual gruff teasing that always got them through these moments. “Was there a reason you were trying to break down my door?”

The quick grin that lit up her face eased a bit more of Alec's tension. A part of him always felt like the world couldn’t be too bad if Isabelle was able to smile at him like that. “It’s almost dinner time. You’ve slept most the day away. I didn’t even know you were back yet until Jace told me that you were here and sleeping!”

“There wasn’t a whole lot of time for sleeping in Idris,” Alec pointed out. He’d been busy most of the time there. Sleep had been the last thing on his mind.

As Alec pulled away from Isabelle and rose up to his feet – thank the angel his legs held and didn’t just wobble out from underneath him – Isabelle leaned back on his bed and rested her weight on her hands. It left her free to watch while Alec walked over to his closet where his clothes were. “I heard there was a whole party in your honor.”

The scowl that immediately crossed Alec's face had Isabelle laughing at him.

“I know, I know. Just your type of thing.”

Alec shot her a look that let her know what he thought of _that_. Which only succeeded in making her laugh at him again. He shook his head and turned back toward the closet to find some clothes. With his back to her, it left him free to smile without her seeing it.

"So everything's official now?" she asked. "You're the Acting Head now while Mom and Dad are gone?"

Just the thought of their parents was enough to have Alec wanting to go stiff. He fought off that reaction and tried to keep his movements casual when he reached in for a clean shirt to put on. "Yeah. The Institute is mine, at least for now."

"Oh come on, Alec. We all know this place was yours already. It's been yours for a while now."

"Not in the eyes of the Clave." And, in the end, that was what mattered. The Clave had to recognize this place as his for it to really count.

Isabelle scoffed at him. "They might be able to give you the official title, but everyone here knows who you are. They recognize that you're their leader. No Clave official gave you that. You _earned_ it."

He tried to ignore the warm feeling that gave him. With his back to his sister, he quickly tugged on the clean shirt, and then switched out his sweatpants for a pair of jeans. A small part of who he'd once been reminded him that there was someone else in the room, but the part that was pure Alec, the part that had spent years as a shadowhunter, didn't really have a concept for _body shame_. It wasn't really something a shadowhunter could afford to have. Not when their bodies were canvas for runes and activating them meant occasionally stripping to get to them. Alec had yet to meet another shadowhunter who was shy about their body.

When Alec was dressed, he snagged a pair of socks and his boots and came back over to the bed. He dropped down on top of it and made sure to do it hard enough to jostle Isabelle a little. Just enough that she had to sit up quickly or risk falling backward. He grinned at the scowl she sent him.

Rolling her eyes, Isabelle jammed him with her shoulder while she sat up. "You're such an asshole."

"All I did was sit down," Alec pointed out.

Isabelle shook her head at him. She was smiling again, though, so Alec counted it as a win.

Despite his attempt at distraction, Isabelle easily went back to talk about the gala he'd attended. She peppered Alec with questions while he finished getting dressed, and then continued it while the two of them made their way out of his room and down to the dining hall.

It felt sort of strange to be walking through the halls of the Institute again. Alec felt like so much had changed since the last time he was here. _He’d_ changed. He wasn't the same person he had been. He felt... older. Distant, almost. With the memories that were still settling in his head it wasn't surprising that some of these briefly lost their power. He had a feeling he'd get more of the current ones back once his brain had the chance to be able to finish sorting through it all. The human mind was only meant to hold so much.

Alec remembered what it'd been like before. Before he, well, before _all this_. His head had felt so full sometimes. Some memories were sacrificed; it was just how the mind worked. They weren’t something he ever thought on, so there was no reason for his mind to retain them. He could remember stories of his youth, moments with his friends and family, the warm feeling of his mother's hug, but he couldn't remember what color her eyes were.

He remembered what it was like to sit with Gwen back before she'd become queen, sharing drinks and food in Gaius' chambers, but he couldn't remember the scent of her hair, or what they'd eaten, or even some of her features. But the brightness of her smile and the sound of her laugh stuck out sharp and clear.

Some of the things Alec was remembering now would fade. Once they did, his more current memories would become stronger again, and he'd hopefully be able to settle. But for now, he still felt a little jumbled, though not near as bad as he had yesterday. Until everything was back to normal again, at least he had Isabelle to help him along.

He followed her to the dining hall, and up to grab a tray of food. Her questions were still going, though she seemed less expectant of his answers now. Mostly it seemed like she was talking to herself, speculating about what a gala might be like to attend and who would be there. Alec had to admit, hearing her talk about the clothes that the others might wear, along with teasing commentary, was rather amusing.

They wove their way through everyone, over to the corner table where they always liked to sit. Jace was there waiting for them. His own tray was barely eaten off of, and he had three mugs of coffee on the table. It was always the job of whichever of the three was the first to arrive to get everyone's coffee.

Alec sank down onto the bench at Jace's side, and Isabelle slid down into the seat across from them.

"Sorry we're late," Isabelle said, smiling and rolling her eyes. "Someone here didn't want to wake up."

Though the look Jace shot him likely appeared teasing to just about anyone else, under it Alec could see the concern that was there. This close, he could feel it in their bond. Still, Jace kept his voice teasing. "It must be exhausting having to deal with all that crap and politics."

The way that Alec rolled his eyes at that had them both laughing at him. But it was Alec leaning in a little against his brother, the brush of their arms together in a silent touch, that took away Jace's tension and allowed him to relax again.

Breakfast turned into what was a typical morning for them. Alec let himself relax into the easy teasing. He kept quiet, something that was typical for him anyway, and he let the warmth of their voices and their affection wash over him. Something about it soothed down a few of the rawer places inside of him. Having them there was a gentle reminder that he wasn't alone this time. A few things had changed since yesterday – so many important things – but this? This right here? This was still the same. It didn't matter that Jace was Gwaine, or that Isabelle was Morgana. They were still his siblings. The only difference was, now there was a history there. One that only Isabelle was blind do.

Alec looked at her, at the way she lit up at something Jace said. One of her hands was up in front of her mouth to hide her food, but her eyes were twinkling brightly. She looked _happy_. On the inside, Alec vowed to do everything in his power to make sure she stayed that way. He'd failed her once, a long, long time ago. He wasn't going to do it again.

* * *

By the time dinner was done, it was time to work, and Alec was a bit grateful for that. It meant he had the freedom to go and lose himself in the usual rounds of paperwork and patrols. He got to focus on just being _Alec_ for a little while. Which was exactly what he needed.

Alec may have just gotten the title of Acting Head yesterday, but as Isabelle had pointed out in his bedroom it was a title that had unofficially been his for quite a few years now. Everyone knew that Alec was the one to run this place. As his parents spent more and more time in Idris, he'd taken more responsibility around here. He was the one that people brought their problems to. He was the one that stepped in and solved things when issues cropped up.

It didn't matter that he was younger than them. If anyone had a problem being bossed around by a young shadowhunter in his early twenties, they weren't dumb enough to say anything about it, and he quickly proved to them that it didn't matter anyway. The Institute and the people inside it were _his_. Alec led them while still keeping himself one of them. He fought alongside them in a way his parents no longer did. That right there was probably what earned him their respect more than anything else.

Tonight there was paperwork to get done, plus his patrol later on. Alec was able to throw himself into paperwork first. The rest of his problems didn't have space in his mind when it was so full of numbers, facts, requests, and reports. Alec worked through the pile on his desk with a single-mindedness that beat his usual focus. It surprisingly seemed to help his mind settle a little, too.

By the time patrol rolled around, Alec felt more at peace than he had since he'd first crawled out of that lake.

Going out on patrol only helped that. Being able to stretch, to throw himself into a fight with his siblings and take out demons, to feel the warm hum of a seraph blade in his hand, it helped Alec reconnect with the part of himself that _was_ Alec.

Over the next few days Alec fell back into the routine of things, and with each moment that passed he felt a little more normal. A little more settled. He was able to breathe again. At night, his dreams were full of the past, and often he woke up hurting from it, but the rest of the time he was free to just be Alec, to focus on his current life and the shadowhunters under his command. He could push away everything else and pretend it didn't hurt.

Once in a while something cropped up to remind him, but they were few and far between.

Like when he ran into Underhill, one of his security team that he was seriously thinking about promoting to Head of Security, even before he realized just who the man was. Once Alec saw the energy coming off of him, yet another familiar soul, was it any real surprise he’d considered this man smart and loyal? Leon had always been one of Arthur’s most loyal Knights. One of the only ones who’d been with him from the start. He’d been there even when Arthur had still been one of the biggest prats to walk the halls, and he’d stayed by him through it all. Every single step of the way.

Even with those moments, however, those little reminders of who he was and who he had around him, for the most part Alec was free to forget, even just for a little while. Maybe it was foolish, maybe it wasn’t. But to not have to be _Merlin_ anymore, to exist only with the weight of being _Alec Lightwood, Acting Head of the New York Institute,_ tasked only with protecting this one small city…it was _freeing_. He didn't have to try and live up to the weight of some massive destiny he’d never asked for. He could just be _Alec_ – responsible for a large group of people, yes, as a leader he'd never expected himself to be, but free from whatever shackles destiny wanted to put on him.

Of course, he should’ve known that wouldn’t last. Destiny always had a way of reminding him of his duty. Of pulling him back in whether he liked it or not - occasionally kicking and screaming the whole way.

Sometimes in the past that fate had come creeping up on him in the form of an assassin, sent to kill the person he was charged to protect.

Sometimes she came as a dragon who nudged and prodded him along a path that he considered right.

And sometimes, she came in the form of a small, redhaired firecracker set on turning his whole world upside-down.

* * *

The first time Alec met Clary Fray, he was a bit too busy and, honestly, _annoyed_ , to really get a proper look at her. He was caught up in his own hunt, and his own problems to really be able to focus on this strange mundane girl who had the Sight.

From the minute Alec walked into the club their mark headed to, he knew just who was in there – he could _feel_ him. Even before Alec had learned how to read the energy around a person he knew he would’ve been able to recognize this one. It was as unique and familiar to him as the touch of his own magic. Tied to his very soul in a bond nothing, not even his own power, had been able to break.

 _Arthur_.

It took only a second inside for Alec to realize that it wasn’t just Arthur – Magnus, dammit, he needed to remember that!! – that he was feeling. Or at least not in the sense he was used to. That wasn’t just his aura. It was his _magic_. Magic that had seeped into every inch of this place. It was wrapped around them in wards that Alec swore he felt caressing him as he passed. They brushed against him, against the raw places inside where Alec's magic still ached from what he’d done to it, where it was still healing, and he stumbled under their touch.

That stumble drew the attention of his parabatai. Jace looked over his way, his gaze a silent _are you okay_? Not directly calling Alec out. Especially not in the middle of a mission. But a silent check in that made it clear he’d be there in an instant if Alec needed him no matter what else was going on.

Alec lifted his free hand and gave the familiar signs they all learned for field use. _I’m okay. Keep going_.

One last look – a promise that Alec knew meant they’d be talking about this later – and then Jace moved on, shadowing Isabelle to make sure she’d stay safe while she acted as the bait. Which was what was important. Right at that moment they had to focus on figuring out why the demons were peddling blood in here. So long as no one was hurt or dying the rest of it could be handled later.

Though it was hard, and it _hurt_ in ways that cut so very deep inside, Alec turned his back on that magic and the one who owned it, the one he could sense was _so close_.

Isabelle needed him. She needed Alec to play backup. His sister needed him. That was the only thing that could’ve had him moving. Alec forced himself to pay attention to watching after the girl he had practically raised, and to focus on the mission at hand.

Then, of course, everything went to hell. Some little mundane girl saw them kill a demon, panicked and ran, and then Jace took off after her like the idiot he was. He never could resist a damsel in distress. It left Isabelle and Alec on cleanup, something they weren’t all that fond of, but Alec was mostly used to. At least it gave him something else to focus on instead of that steady thrum of magic in the air – or the aching sensation deep in the empty places inside when that power suddenly left.

* * *

It wasn’t until Jace brought that mundane back to the Institute later – and _runed_ her, like that wasn’t going to make Alec's life so much _harder_ – that Alec really got a chance to look at her. When he did, a few things made sense, and a few new worries came to life. In the girl he saw a soul of one of his closest friends, and yet another life that he should’ve saved, but hadn’t. Another in what turned into a very long line of his failures. _Lancelot_.

This wasn’t the first time Alec had seen one of the souls reincarnate in a different body. But to see another Knight, the _third_ to crop up around him these past few weeks, well…it didn’t bode well. Something in Alec prickled at all these little pieces falling into place.

It made him a little sharper than he might’ve been otherwise.

“Jace!” Alec hissed lowly when he looked up and saw the girl lying there with Isabelle sitting above her. Even from a distance her soul _shone_ with that strength and purity only Lancelot had ever had. Alec reached out and caught hold of Jace’s arm, forcing him to a stop.

His parabatai twisted around, surprised at the touch. He looked up at Alec with his eyes rolling and a quip already ready to go, only for his frustration to fade away when he caught sight of Alec's face. What he saw there was enough to wipe the annoyance off Jace’s expression. He straightened up and braced like he was preparing for trouble. “What is it?”

“Do you realize who that is?” Alec demanded.

The battle-ready look faded off of Jace. At least slightly. He glanced back at where the mundane girl lay, then back at Alec, one eyebrow arched up. “Who, her?” Jace lifted a hand and gestured behind him with his thumb

It took a lot of effort for Alec not to roll his eyes. “Yes, _her_.”

“She’s a girl that’s in over her head and needs some help.”

Unconsciously, Alec tightened his grip on Jace. “She’s also the reincarnation of _Lancelot_.”

Jace only looked stunned by that for a moment. Then he just rolled with it with a skill that Alec had always been envious of. “All the more reason we should help her then, right? Knights should stick together.”

For all that Alec loved Jace, there was a part of him that sometimes had a hard time resisting the urge to strangle the other man. Or smack him upside the head. Now was one of those times. Thankfully, Alec had a little control. He glared at the other man in lieu of actually reaching out and doing any real damage. “Can you take this seriously, please?” he hissed out. His eyes darted around, taking in just how close others were. No one was close enough that they should be able to hear and yet Alec didn’t want to take any chances. He moved in a step closer. “Something’s going on here, Jace. Something big.”

He should’ve known better, though. Not once in any lifetime had this stupid, ridiculous idiot ever cared about himself, especially when someone else was in trouble. That seemed to be no different in this lifetime. “What’s going on right now is there’s a girl up there who needs our help,” Jace said plainly. He turned a little, finger pointed toward the girl though his eyes stayed on Alec. “Now, I’m going to help her. Are you with me, parabatai?”

The urge to strangle him grew even stronger. He _hated_ when Jace used their bond against him like that. Hated even more that it _worked_.

Was this what Arthur had felt like trying to reign in his Knights? This frazzled affection and frustration all rolled into one? He’d always been at turns impressed, amused, and frustrated by Gwaine. Staring at the man now, Alec thought he might be beginning to understand that feeling a little better.

* * *

Once upon a time Alec had looked up to Lancelot. He’d admired the man for his strength, his honesty, and his honor. They were the qualities that made up a knight. Ones that made him a good man.

Clarissa Fairchild – daughter of Jocelyn Fairchild and _Valentine Morgenstern_ – had all those same qualities, paired together with youth and a lack of experience that Lancelot hadn’t had. Life back then hadn’t lent itself to innocence and naivete. But Clary…she was so very young, new to their world, and innocent in ways that Alec wasn’t sure he ever had been. Even _before_ he’d remembered his past. She was also terrified, determined, and backed by yet another Knight – Elyon.

That was two more Knights brought back. Two more who now had a place in Alec's life. Gwaine, Leon, Lancelot, Elyon. All they were missing was Percival. Even Freya and Morgana were there. Plus himself, and then Arthur somewhere nearby. Ruling over his own section of New York like the King he was meant to be.

All of this wasn’t a coincidence. Something big was happening. Alec had no idea what, but Clary was the catalyst for it. She wasn’t the _reason_ it was happening, but her presence meant that something _was_ happening. Alec didn’t have to use his magic to see that. But what little magic he held was practically crawling inside of him in agreement.

That certainty only grew when Alec found out who it was that had blocked Clary’s memories, who it was they had to go to if they wanted to get her memories back. The one person he had wanted to avoid, and the one destiny had decided to throw right in his face.

Magnus Bane.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - be sure to let me know what you think!
> 
> If you'd like to join a Multifandom server on Discord, come hang out [HERE](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) in the Fandom Playhouse with me and a group of amazing people!
> 
> Also, though I'm rarely on there, you can find me on tumblr [HERE](https://to-the-stars-writing.tumblr.com/) and say hi, send an ask, or even leave me a prompt if you'd like :)


End file.
